Friday, October 29, 2010

The Singing, Burping Mess of a Date

This has got to be my worst date yet. It happened a couple of months ago, but I kept forgetting to put it up here. So here it is!

I was going on a second date with this guy I met through a mutual friend. Our first date had seemed fun, but we didn't spend a whole lot of time together, either. For our second date, he picked me up and took me to Chipotle. We started talking, and I soon found that he had planned on staying the night with me and driving home in the morning. 1. I was NOT okay with this. Um...second date, anyone? 2. He hadn't even asked me if he could do so! 3. I went back through my text messages, and there were NO messages I sent that could have sounded like I was inviting him to stay. I deferred the conversation and decided it was Future Me's problem.

On our drive back, he started belching. Now, I say belching because these were not "normal" burps (like someone should be burping ANY way on a first date!). He was full-on letting it all hang loose. After the third burp, I made the joking remark, "You're gross."
Him: "What?"
Me: "Um, the burping?"
Him: "Well, I just feel so comfortable with you."

Not okay, man. Gross. Anyway, we get back to my place and decide to watch a movie. In the middle of it, he decides to kiss me (which I have a problem with anyway, because it was Rock and Rolla - if he wanted a makeout movie, we should have watched "It's Complicated" or something equally uncomplicated). BUT IT GETS WORSE. His breath was rotten. It's forgivable, really. So I wait just a little bit, and then grab some gum and ask him if he wants any. If you had just kissed someone, and they asked if you wanted gum, wouldn't you get the hint? GUESS WHO DIDN'T?! I was avoiding kissing at all costs the rest of the night.

After the movie, we just sat and talked for a while. We were getting into a really good conversation, and I was just starting to think to myself, "Gee, maybe this guy isn't so bad. We are having a really good conversation," when all of a sudden, something I say reminds him of a song. So he quotes the song. Strange, but I can handle it. I just said something like, "Oh, okay." And then he sang the song. Sang it. No music around or anything. He just decided that in the middle of a conversation was an excellent time to serenade me with an AFI song I didn't even know about emo-type things. It was extremely weird, and he continued to do that off and on for the next hour or so.

By 1:00 am, I'd had enough. I'd been up since 7 am working, and then I had to deal with Crazy since pretty much when I got off work. It was time for him to leave. So I did what any person does when they have a crazy person in their house and want said crazy person to leave - I pretended to fall asleep. This did not work...he just kept on talking. My first thought was, "SERIOUSLY?!" So then I made the comment, "Well, I'm pretty tired..."
Him: "I see that."
Me: (fuming) "Are you going to go get a hotel or drive back home now?"
(He tries to kiss me)
Me: (dodges bad breath and the urge to strangle him simultaneously) "Are you going to answer my question?"
Him: "Yes."
Me: "Yes to what?"
Him: "Yes, I'll answer your question."
Me: "OK. What's your answer?"
Him: "In time." (tries to kiss me)
Me: (screaming in his face) "Seriously! I'm tired, practically falling asleep. Would you please just make up your mind and tell me what you're doing now!?"
Him: "................I think I'll drive home."
Me: "K BYE."

He left, and needless to say, he did not get a goodbye kiss. The worst thing was, he thought the date WENT WELL. I had to break it off with him and explain (as nicely as I could) that the things he does are nowhere near the realm of normalcy.

Since then, I've had pretty normal dates. But now that I'm in a new city, I'm sure I'll go through a whole new bunch of stay tuned!

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

My First Blind Date

One day at work, my friend (and cubicle wall-sharer) sends me a random picture message (G-rated, guys. C'mon.) of a guy with the caption, "Do you think this guy is cute?" (or something to that effect). I had no idea why she was asking. For her? For me? For someone else? It was kind of hard to even see him in the picture, to be honest. But he had a nice smile, so that's what I told her.

She told me that she wanted to set me up on a blind date with him. I'd never been on a blind date before (as the blog title suggests), so I was only going off of what my friends and people on the TV told me about them. You can probably imagine what I thought of blind dates. But it was an adventure, and I love adventures! So, my friend set up the date.

I got to Old Chicago (at least it wasn't Arby's!) and saw the guy at the designated meeting spot - a bench outside of the restaurant. We did introductions and the awkward handshake (the first of two, sadly) and then went inside and got a table. Once we were seated, the awkwardness was over for a while. We talked about our jobs, our families, etc. (small talk) and ate. Then the bill came. I did the reach for the purse, and he offered to pick it up. Very cliche.

We exited the building, and the awkwardness came on full-blast. We walked to the parking lot and...stood there. Now, those of you who know me know that I can stand feeling awkward for about 0.2 seconds before I freak out and run away from a situation. Which is what I did. I held out my hand (awkward handshake number two!) and said, "Nice to meet you!" and walked to my car.

Later, I found out that he had spent some time planning some other activities to do for our date. So in this instance, the "Major Fail Award" goes to me. Next time, maybe he'll talk about hanging out more sooner, so the girl won't run away like a chicken with its head cut off (I've always loved that expression). He also ended up being a jerk to my friend later on, so I don't feel so bad.

The good thing that came from this date: Free food! And I learned that Old Chicago makes an amazing crispy chicken salad! Eat it!

Arby's Guy

One of my first dates after the big breakup was with a guy I knew from middle / high school. We had been talking on Facebook (oh, Facebook, how I loathe you for reuniting me with people who fail), and we decided to meet up when he came into town. I went to his house, and we had a great time just talking about our lives since high school. Then we decided to go get dinner, and that's when things when oh so wrong.

We got in the car and were deciding where to go when he said he felt like Arby's. I have nothing against Arby's! That's one of my favorite fast food places. But on a date? Really? A first date? Fail, Arby's Guy. Fail. I'm not even high-maintenance. Chipotle would have been awesome, and it's pretty much the same price. But I'm sorry, there's just something wrong with taking someone to a fast-food restaurant on the first date.

What was I supposed to say back? I said it was fine. We went to Arby's. And how was it? It was about like a fast-food date should be.

Later on, my friend and I met up with him at a bar. He was very drunk and insane. For example, we were giving him a ride home, and he tugged on my shirt sleeve (like a three-year-old) until I turned around, where he proceeded to try to mouth something to me. Needless to say, that was the end of my brief time with Arby's Guy.

In a crazy turn of events, we ran into Arby's Guy at a bar a few weeks later. I saw him at a table (but pretended I didn't see him), and instead of coming to say hi to me, he called me. From two yards away. I didn't answer. He did end up coming over to see me, but it was so incredibly awkward that he (finally!) got the hint and left.

The good thing that came out of this date: My friends and I now say "At least he didn't take me (or you) to Arby's!" whenever we go on a date. It's become a standard, really. And it always helps us find the silver lining on most bad dates.